I’m only on day 3 and let me say, Media is ROCKING MY WORLD. Well…this entire book has rocked my world but man….media is already proving to be eye opening. I’m realizing my addiction is not television. I know a lot of people who know me well will laugh when I say that because of my past love for television. Yes, I love tv shows. I love the life lessons in some of them, the emotions they bring out in me, the giddy feelings they bring up. They are an escape from reality when I get consumed in them. Maybe its not super healthy in some people’s eyes, but its not an addiction. I can walk away from tv for a day, a week, a month, and I’m fine. I don’t have panic attacks wondering who the next “A” is or over who won Big Brother. Ok, ok, Chuck majorly messed me up and I still cry when I think about the fact Sara can’t remember anything about their relationship but other than that one incident (I promise!), I can watch my shows and then walk away and lead my life without thinking about them endlessly. I’ve had a few shows that did steal joy in either making me fearful or angry and I saw that and cut them out completely. I was able to go on vacation for almost a month and not really think about tv at all. It makes me cry to admit this, but I don’t think I could go on a 4 week vacation and cut off connections with the internet. I can’t enjoy my children without feeling this need to be connected to the outside world. Its sad. I feel like I’ve slowly allowed Satan to creep in and steel a lot of my joy through social media.
I am a very relational person. I feel like for the most part, people are made to be in relationships and I even more so love them. I have 953 friends and counting on facebook. Honestly, about 945 of them I genuinely want to know better. (Of course every now and then we all meet people we clash with personality wise! ) I really do like to see their updates about their children and read their witty comments. So maybe I don’t need to know every single rep they did at the gym that day (and likewise I’m sure they could care less what I cooked for dinner!), but for the most part…I like how facebook allows me to get to know people I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to otherwise. However, no person is created to be best friends with 945 people. So its draining the life out of me trying to juggle that. Its like I’m trying to fill some void with the acceptance I get on there. I post a picture or what I think is a seriously hilarious comment (because I’m funny damn it!) and then I wait to see how many likes I can get or how many people comment. There was a period earlier this summer where I changed some setting and for a month everything I posted was only posted to about 50 of my 950 friends and I got very few likes and comments. I was in a major funk that month because I thought everyone stopped liking me!! This is serious guys. And the mind boggling thing to me is facebook is NEW. This instant access to whatever we want has not always been around. Yet I feel like I’m decapitated when you take it away from me. Like I’m losing an arm I’ve always had. I was just talking to my best friend yesterday about how old we feel because with our first babies we didn’t have smart phones or facebook or kindles. When we nursed them to sleep at night we just rocked them and nursed them (or sometimes I would read an actual paperbook book, lamp and all). We didn’t sit and play angry birds or post updates on what we were doing. When I wake up in the morning the very first thing I do before I start my day is pick up my phone, check my email, and check facebook. There are even times in the middle of the night when I wake up to nurse Lex that I check those things. WHY??? There is seriously nothing important in either of them yet I’m having slight anxiety attacks the past few mornings I haven’t been able to do this.
So here we are, day 3, and I have yet to turn on the TV. Yet shutting the computer has been HARD. I’ve always said I could never have an addiction because I couldn’t stand to be tied down to something. Yet all this time, I’ve had a serious addiction that I wasn’t even aware of. I’m very excited to see how this month plays out while I learn balance but in the meantime I need prayer! Prayers that my eyes are opened to the strongholds that the internet/computer/phone actually has on me.